May 9, 2007

BLUF--feeling good--probably 90% of normal, w/the greatest deficit being my energy level.

Finished watching "Living with Cancer" on Discovery Health Channel last night. Amazing how so many of the shared emotions and insights were spot-on with ours. The empathy we've acquired for other cancer victims is also amazing--we realized we wouldn't even be watching this program had it aired 2.5 months ago.

I was reminded of how this is sometimes more difficult for Geri than it is for me. When I'm really suffering from the side effects, she can only imagine how badly I'm feeling and my bet is that her imagination is worse than reality. It's also totally out of our control.

We've learned to be totally open and honest about so many things. She's a natural caregiver, comforter and consoler. I, on the other hand, do NOT want to be cuddled, comforted or sometimes, even spoken to, if I am feeling badly. She understands that this is just a difference between what each of us feels as "comforting" in a bad situation. I can tell her, without hurting or offending her, that her questions, words of consolation and physical touches to my on-edge nerves are not comforting to me. It's another small way that we have grown closer in this situation.

Last night, I dreamed that I was in my last round of chemo, starting to feel woozy, perhaps rehearsing the side effects in advance. I awoke with a start and realized that I was dreading this proabably more than I thought. It's tough to start feeling almost normal, only to look forward to being chemically kicked in the gut once again, but I'm still thankful that this is the last round and that I at least have a two-week respite between rounds. In contrast, our friend, Clarence, who has stage 4 abdominal cancer (several organs and his abdominal wall involved in the disease), goes in WEEKLY for chemo, gets physically ill exactly five days after each treatment AND can look forward to this weekly cycle for the forseeable future! Relatively speaking, I am truly blessed!

Please remember Clarence and his wife, Pohai, in your prayers.

Enough introspection. Today, with God's help, I'm living and loving like this is my last day--as we all should every day!